How do we talk about family?

I am the pastor of an urban church in which a large percentage (I'm tempted to say the majority, but I can't be sure) are single and the vast majority either do not have children or have children who are married and have their own children. We have very few kids in our church. This is partly the consequence of being an urban church in a context in which the conventional wisdom is that it is bad/dangerous to raise children in the city.

In contrast to this, we are part of an amazing group of families in our neighborhood who have banded together to create a charter school for our children. The diversity among this group of families is mind-blowing and it has again reminded us that one of the crying needs in our community is befriending families in the process of being a family and especially raising children.

But the minute I start thinking about how our congregation might engage the community in a conversation about children and families, I am deeply aware of how co-opted this language is in Christianity. The very fact that I am a Christian (and a pastor at that) talking about family is deeply suspect. So, my question is this:

In a culture in which the language of children and families has been coopted by the Religious Right, how can a Christian church talk with the community about raising healthy children and healthy families?

A corollary for you to think about is this: If you have children (or even if you don't but might some day), what are the top 3-5 values you would like your children to embrace?

Comments

[Terri]

To the first question, I am not sure we can talk about raising healthy children. We need to live it. The talking comes in the park with another parent simultaneously watching our children, or anywhere we find ourselves with other parents. Sharing the same concerns with other parents is a great starting place, & we will probably learn just as much (or more) than we give.

I love the second question. While pregnant with my first child, I decided to intentionally teach character traits we thought important. Emphasis on intentional.

To teach a trait - example, integrity. Define the trait, point out when someone is being a good example of intergrity, "catch" our child doing something that demonstates it & tell them, read stories about it, make up stories about it.....
I tried to stick with a trait for a month. Just a reminder to myself to talk it up.

Our qualities: Independence, Integrity, Respect (for self, others, & things) which will branch off naturally into learning & appreciating differences, Responsibility, & Love of God.
Not sure those would still be my top five, but the important thing to me is to select values/characteristics/whatever, & teach them intentionally. If we don't, then they get learned accidentally.

It is an exciting & frightening time in which to be raising children.

[Tompaul]

Major value: That everyone is worthy of respect, no matter their external traits.

[Andrew]

Agreed, everytime I hear the term "family values" I wince.

A couple of points.

Firstly its been my experience that the church often talks about family to the exclusion of the singles and childless- how can we include these in our "family"?

Secondly, the average family in church- married (often at a young age) does not match that our our society. In the UK over 50% of children are born out of wedlock and the average age of a couple getting married is the mid to late 30's! trying to bridge the two cultures is a challenge!